01.87 - Perception
I don't think the world changes much. My perception is what changes.
Two weeks ago, I was going full throttle towards retirement planning, saving for a house - goal-oriented and ready to tackle the world. Right now...eh. Its like I'm standing in the middle of a desert with a bunch of tools that do not make water. There is no real reason for this perception; they switch in cycles and as a result, my plans change and my attitude brightens or darkens reactively.
T and I got into a spat earlier (no doubt my current attitude was an integral part) over - wait for it - crumbs on the kitchen counter. And now we're stalking around each other quietly, planning our next battle strategy - she is treating some new pans we had, I'm blogging and watching the fantasy baseball team in the corner of my monitor. Another wasted day in a short life.
We'd probably still be talking to each other if it were about ten degrees cooler outside. Forecast high 98 degrees. I have to mow sometime, but I'll wait until after it cools down a bit from the flesh searing range.
My sister and I are accompanying our mother to a psychologist visit Tuesday morning. In case I haven't given you all the full story, my mother a mental disability of some sort; her symptoms vary from depression to bi-polar to other things I can't think of now. She's had some bad spells lately - strange dilusions abound - so my sister and I have decided to get some more information from her doctor and her therapist. Based on what they have to say to us, we need to come up with some sort of care plan for her, and maybe we'll shift some responsibilities from her to our step-father. The only thing she really takes care of now is the finances...which is scary enough.
I told my sister the other day that I feel like out of the many people I know in my life, I don't feel like I really know any of them - especially our own parents. Mom has slipped into a weird conspiracy-think, where you're not sure if she's telling you the straight-up truth or she's telling you half-truths to throw you off her path. And my father's as much as an enigma as always. Hard-working and impossible to keep a dialogue going with.
These are just some of the reasons I wish to put this jigsaw puzzle of a family back together. Right now, its so segmented. I can't imagine what its like on my sister; she has a three-year old and another on the way, and my mother calls her with any problem she has. Which is an interesting thought, since my mother basically stays on the couch every day of her life. She's lost somewhere, and even my master's degree psychologist sister doesn't know how to find her again.
We have a theory that she just got lazy, but you never want to believe that about your own mother. Ever.
It is those things that make the desert wider, longer, drier than you can ever overcome. No time to make it all right, so you just let things change without your influence. And you emotionally disconnect yourself so it won't hurt so bad when they finally do.
Have to keep on track.
I wrote a big long comment.. but you know what. All I can say is you are not alone and that the feeling of helplessness (whether toward everyone else or yourself) is the worst feeling.